Torture

We look into the eyes of others to seek some deeper meaning… "What are they thinking?"

I wonder whether they are even focused on me, or whether they are blurred and looking past me. I was always invisible in real life; I came, I went… I am there or I am gone.

You see, I am tortured by the need to be seen and the inability to speak.

I look through my own eyes as a third party analyzing every action I do and every word I say. "What do they want to hear?" or "What would I like to hear if I were them?"

I want kindness even if it's cruel. If you were being sarcastic I would refuse to acknowledge what you said as anything other than a compliment. "Thank you."

Do you even understand the tiniest bit how painful it is? I can't even look you in the face because I don't want to memorize it. All the things that make us different from one another are the things we like least about ourselves. Our faults are what make us an individual. Every detail fascinates me and I lose myself around your eyes and around your mouth… the subtlety of your expression lines won't lie to me; I will see through you.

The truth is I don't want to know when you are lying to me.

Lies are told by the person who says that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". Their foolish thoughts are so ingrained in their minds that they start to believe what they say. Is it even a lie if you believe that it's true, or is it just an opinion?

I believe that in reality we emit our own light. Naturally we are attracted to other lights brighter than our own, and we will find ourselves following those lights blindly to see where they'll lead. We are in denial that all lights will inevitably lead to the same place… that our journey does not parallel our destination. It's an intersection; a culmination of what we've done with our short existence.

So let me sit quietly; closing my eyes and covering my ears… feigning naiveté.

Just look at the pictures of my eyes, because in real life they will never meet yours.